Friday, May 4, 2012

Lessons about Polite Society -sponsored by Cardinal Fratelli


      1.) Titles are very important.

Titles are a way to distinguish a person from everyone else. Basic titles include Mr. and Mrs. which distinguish whether you are talking to a fine man or a lovely woman. More advanced titles are often bestowed on someone who is anything but what they describe. Doctors, for instance, poke and prod more than they teach- then charge lavishly for it. Reverends usually fall to their knees only when they’ve dropped something on the ground. However, despite any of this, addressing a person by their title is surest way to gain favor in polite society.

2.) Put downs are always subtle. 

No one in fine society will tell you that are a disgusting low-life in that many words. Instead, they will gently say your shirt is dirty then refuse to shake your hand. This is the rich’s man’s version of cursing at you. However, instead of dropping a foul word, they will use adjectives like: “slovenly”, “shameful” and “rubbish”.

3.) Always pretend to understand art.

Even if most paintings are to you, a blob of various colors slathered onto a canvas, try to seem engrossed by them. Phrases like: “This is an exact commentary about modern society” and “Oh, dear, he must have been suffering.” are very popular. If someone says one, particular work of art means something, exclaim that it means a totally opposite thing. For some reason, this makes you appear insightful when amidst cultured people.

     4.) Never discuss money.

For some odd reason, people who have money don’t like talking about it. When interacting with those in high-society, never mention your budget. Any acknowledgement of a budget seems to indicate a limit and once people think that you have a limit, they will be asking about it. This is for the sole purpose of comparing what you have to what they have. Therefore, it makes things very messy.

5.) Give generously to the church.

Even if the affluent aren’t particularly religious, they always fill the collection-plate. It is the only way in which they can express their feelings. Rather than give comfort to a homeless man and bear being in his presence, the wealthy will throw some money at them then run away. When a birthday arrives, the best gift is always monetary. Piety also equals money. Simply put, no one can question one’s devotion when they’re giving the church more than ten percent.

     6.) Down is good-even in the summer.

Wealthy people need a comfortable place to lay their heads…and stash their money. Nothing suits this purpose more than pure, down linens. Down conveys luxury and cleanliness- also soothes the weary backside. Even during hot summers, down always looks swell. It simply says: “I am the best”.

7.) Eldest sons must marry and have large families; the second-eldest becomes a priest and the youngest carries on the family business. It is always in that order.

       In polite society, privilege always goes to the oldest son. He is the bearer of the family name, the protector of his younger siblings and often the most unbearably spoiled. If the eldest son becomes a priest however, the order is upset and your family has failed.
      The second oldest son is bestly suited for priesthood, as the middle-child, he overlooks attention, feels awkward around girls and therefore understands humility rather well. If he marries, it is fine.
Youngest sons are always good at staying close to home. Thus, they should carry the family business. If his family is larger than your oldest son’s, you have certainly done something wrong. If he enters priesthood, it will be a waste of the shrewd business-sense you spent so much time teaching him